Focused on Happy - the rest just falls into place. I found my focus being scattered into desiring multiple things. Praying or manifesting towards multiple areas of goodness in life. Usually led me to more scattered and less sincere intention.
Once I was sufficiently depressed enough. Mangled and at a loss for reasoning with my own existence and choices I make in life. The place at the depths of the thought, "What's the point of me being here?"
Questioning what it was I was doing in this life. Not plans to harm myself and suicide never attracted my thoughts. But damn close; bringing me to accept the actions and behaviors in my life which were previously condemned. Specifically my battle with substance reliance. The desire of being happy and healthy; which I had placed solely on being sober or not sober. Black and white.
That is when it happened. Finally just said fuck okay: I literally can't think of anything I want in life other than to be happy. That's all I truly want and the only thing I care to attain. Because I don't know what the shit else is going on around here. And although not realizing it that day. But soon after this focus of my attention-my days struggles became lighter and easier.
Life became a little brighter again. Where I was previously hinged up on the left side of things or the right. I was just smooth sailing down the center toward happiness as DEFINED BY ME.
If happiness was attained through the substances, being alone and avoiding friends, or shopping in the mall for something to treat myself - That's what I did.
Freedom was attained through this simple new perception and practice. I had all this guilt and fears around being sober or not sober. I had been to rehabs, I had seriously affected my life in a manner that rippled to all around me. All family supported me being sober, inherently through their love and witnessing of my loss of control in the past - They were always willing to be of maximum support and care.
It was my own doing to allow other's love to become reliant on my sobriety as a belief I held which only furthered me from my own self-love. Each time I decided to find escape in the bottle or pill; strengthening the concrete separating my own control of self-worth, self-love, and happiness from me.
All merely a belief - a built reality that I had come to live in. Where my thoughts were 100% focused on this fear of losing the love of others which I've placed before my own love and acceptance of myself. A symphony of thoughts which were focused on the world around me, the people in it, and their judgements of my every step. Every flaw which fear would conjure up would be thrown into this council of the imaginary responses by loved-ones' who's approval I needed to survive. My identity becoming a figment of a this external crowds disapproval to me.
Oh if only it were easy in those painful moments to realize your own love for yourself being the source of these projections. Just identifying the actions which my own beliefs and values did not align to.
It was never a bad thing or an experience which was to be the torment that I had allowed it to become - by my own denial of the things I value. The guilt, shame, and fear projected onto those I care most about.
When in this spot, where you are struggling with something like your own happiness or idea of how to live your life. And you cannot identify your own desires, values or truth - it is what I would perceive the Christian teachings of Hell were outlining in meaning.
Getting to the point of doing what I thought I needed to do at that time to be happy unlocked my death grip around my own heart. Finally letting go of my perceptions on others love / approval defining my decision making. And I can't even describe the FREEDOM in this.
Being I wasn't doing drugs which were really life-threatening such as opiates that are rampart presently among the population. I had went through the experience of opiate dependence and recovery multiple times - which without even giving myself the credit I had built a solid inner truth of those substances not being worth the rush in my life given the cause and effect I repeatedly experienced. So during my battling with returning to other substances, specifically drinking - I didn't fully realize my overcoming of the idea that a drug which once ruled my life had become a 0 chance in my reality... and how? By my own cause and effect acceptance. Which did not require my acknowledgement even, it simply just became a truth.
Standing in the body and seeing out the eyes which I've seen the world through for 31 years - I suddenly became level with the substances which I once perceived to rule over me. I had taken my authority back, and ruled over them. As I had always ruled over them, but without my own control and power in self-perception's which I held - it was impossible.
I have all power. My self-love. My self-worth. My identity. My reality. My mind, body, and the conscious mind which is the projecting this life. I am all these things, and it's simply through the dropping of judgement, condemnation, and labeling of any part of me as wrong, bad, or evil - which unlocked the unconditional love and acceptance of the lesson I had been in for many days.
Every day, new lesson. Every day, new opportunities. Every day, new life. Yet we carry yesterday tight behind our view of the present moment. Let go of all you thought you knew. Let go of who you thought you were. And create the you which does not take creating even but believing and accepting only.
I wish everyone in the world who struggles with addictions, unhappiness, and false beliefs which all lie within their own self-love.
Everything we do is in the name of Love. We all want to be successful, achieve the goals we set out, and be accepted by our fellows - why? To sit there and be like, "I Have All These Things." Or maybe it's so we can declare "I achieve all my goals." - Well someone get this man a trophy. Who is there to impress? Who is there to base your success or life goals on?
What was shown to you, and perceived by your experiences as the normal ways to attain happiness and a life of meaning - ultimately may not even be yours. Define you. Every day. Eyes open - who am I today? What are my values and truths? How do I attain Self-Love?
Focus on self-love in every moment that we are making choices in life brings the real answers to your fulfillment. And unlocking you from the things of yesterday which you thought plagued you.
All things are exactly as they should be. For one to pick up the judge's gavel in their views on how they see the outwardly world is the one who judges themselves. Judgement of the left side, judgement of the right side - leads to your left and right sided separation within.
Don't miss the ease of the escape which you may seek. It is not in death of the present moment which you identify as your own existence and identity - but it is the death of an old for the new to take hold as present moment. The new, not being so new at all. The new was the truth all along. The law is never changing. Do good. Foremost do good to yourself. Take self love as your focus: My only desire being happiness. Without definition of happiness...As you define happiness based on something which was passed to you. You don't understand the unity of happiness and pain. For it is something which makes the experience of this Earthly life what it is. A sought for lesson learned, an amazing experience of the feelings which vary in nature to the thoughts. Yet, that variation of what the feelings are identified as - is actually your own perception.
THE ONLY VARIABLE IN HUMAN EXPERIENCE ON EARTH - YOUR PERCEPTION.
Well, I'm talking to me, so MY PERCEPTION. There I go talking to the crowd again, but don't get it twisted - this fills my cup beyond measures previously perceived as realistic. Now reality is designed. Catered to my every wish to experience. I know not the form it takes to materialize as, but I know that the belief is what makes it TRUE. Unlocking human potential - we have it all. Be with your infinite god-self. If that word or closeness to one with the one is something that makes you uncomfortable; that is the name of the game. Start burning down the structures of reality which you've built and you will learn the same as all do who have walked before us. There is only One. I am that One. Are you? - Only thing that matters: Believing. And the only thing standing in your way: Perceptions.
Living in a reality which is not catered to your spirit?
You can change the whole world my friend. Simply by changing you. Burn it down. Easier said then done. But having burnt it down from this vantage point - I vow to pour sparks into the Flame as I am driven by the Good.
Seeding a Reality: Talks of Life and Meaning
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