A story shared to Mental Health MN
My Experiences with Mental Health Recovery
I was the ripe age of .01 seconds when I first felt the painful discomfort associated with my new awareness. Entering the world, as most babies do I suppose - a belly full of comfort suspended without gravity to even feel the bones, skin, or taking in those bright lights. I am not lying when I tell you this feeling is now something I tie to the first trauma I had experienced in my life. Which oddly enough, was held within me…only to surface for me to experience again with an understanding mature mind at 30 years old.
Next I recalled a memory where I was laying upon a bed. My mother and father, the two most excellent caregivers to the ones they love. And I’ll tell you that I got overdosed on Love. Which I am not complaining…I am beyond grateful and so appreciative of their sacrifices and provisions which offered me the active life style I desired as a child.
Back to the memory on the bed. My mother and father were laying there in front of me, intently locked into each others eyes with a depth of love which I can only picture - words do no justice. Well, regardless my Baby Jimmy mind was in panic and fear, without words I was screaming inside..the feeling was along the lines of, “What the &$%#!! They are not helping me. They are taking my love.”
I believe this was the first time in this life, that I felt something other than constant Love. I know what I believe. Based on what I’ve experienced. Predominantly this past year where I walked backward through my 30 years of life on Earth; digging out my truth. My strength. My pain and agony. All to finally set myself Free. For the first time ever in this body and life as James Rawson. Freedom on this level has absolutely no price tag or trade value.
Fast-forward - Mental Health and Me.
Age 12 my circle of friends in 8th grade…I think that’s 12, maybe 13. Regardless, all the close-knit friends I had become comfortable with. Looking at them as the brothers I never had. Being an only child I was quite the lonely little guy as my parents and I moved around the country. Well these friends decided they had enough of me being around and told me one day that I was annoying - then shut me out.
It rocked the reality I had been finally feeling comfortable in. I never even thought about what others thought of me. But that day, I went from internally looking out - to externally looking around.
I wouldn’t fully return to my body from that day, until the age of 31. For the fear of people gripped me so deeply that the only way I could find reprieve was music and isolation. Until the day my parents told me that we’d be moving again. That’s when little Jimmy said enough is enough. Obviously no one is taking into consideration what I want. Or my Happiness. Little did they know…little did I know - that I was really done with life and didn’t understand what suicide was really. But I had harbored some seriously heavy I don’t want to be here emotions. I really wanted to end my existence, but didn’t know that’s what I was feeling.
Thank God I found drugs and alcohol. Because if I hadn’t been granted that reprieve from my own torturing of my soul, then I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have found a way to not have to walk the halls of school or to be me at all.
I will add here, that I am beyond grateful for ever single event that happened in my life. Especially those events just mentioned, the friends blacklisting me and the move. Both of those events led to necessary perspectives I would hold up in life as character strengths which I still boast proudly.
The understanding of how it feels to get abandoned and feel that betrayal in the heart really opened my heart in a sense. As I became more aware of those who seem down and out around me. Always being magnetized to them in order to give a simple ‘hello’ or to try to engage with cheering them up. Along with being the new kid so many times which undoubtedly pushed me into being outgoing and less controlled by shyness during those teenage years. Although I was still scared to death..I was able to throw on the mask quickly enough to put off the happy young man who’s got it together.
Until drugs and alcohol.
I became empathetic to others feelings. Always making sure to give care to how I treat others, while putting their happiness up front and center. Balance is the key in life, as I would slowly untangle my codependency from this behavior. Which is what I had dug myself out of at the age of 30. My mind had been stuck on my own ideas of what others thought or may need; rather than my own point of view. For I was so worried about losing their love or friendship that I was borderline obsessed with people pleasing.
Until drugs and alcohol.
So I hold no resentments, I only hold gratitude and honor toward all events in my life; along with everyone who shared the moments with me. As I traced my life this past year, I really came to find the key to it all is forgiveness and unconditional love. Especially towards one’s own-self, as the individual is the one who can set themselves free. Just as they are the hand that holds them under lock and key in a prison cell within their own mind.
So alcohol allowed me to sidestep the fears of others. The insecurities which ate me up between classes, after classes, on the way to school, and then heading home to face family. I was literally crawling out of my skin. I feel sorry for the young man who I speak about here, as I do not feel it is a part of my identity anymore. Rather I keep the understanding and the unconditional love found - and let go of the part of me.
For there is no need in a 31 year old to be carrying around the weight of a 13 year old who wants to be heard. Who is screaming inside yet unable to move - stuck in concrete mud shoes that are stuck down ol’ river time. In that very moment which hurt you. Which closed up your heart. The feelings experienced took your innocence. Losing the true ability to love without condition and without hesitation. This is where you may return to for healing. If that’s your path desired - If you can let go without changing your understanding and healing that moment; then my hats off to you. Because it took me lots of skilled practice in facing the pains and then resetting my thinking around them.
Inner child therapy came to me in my room as I was hitting 30 and facing similar experiences in life. Different outlook, different characters playing roles with me, same ultimate decision to be made neatly wrapped on my lap for testing what my reactions and choices will be this time. Will I turn to anger? Turn to escape in drugs or seclusion from the world as it runs the chances of getting let down or hurt…
No. That’s why I came here. Not to be tortured…But I came to feel. As we all did, I believe. For I’ve felt what the feeling which I came from - and to that I’ll return. And the word bliss never appealed to me personally, but I stand at a loss for finding appropriate vocabulary that will give anyone a close idea to the immensity which your soul vibrates with light and love. As I believe we are all One here on Earth, and we are here trying to remember that. Trying to understand why all these diseases are appearing in humans, as we advance in medicine and knowledge even. Well I believe the disconnect between individual and Earth is the biggest of all causes which lead to the symptoms of illnesses. As I work with Seniors in the assisted living facilities; what started as simple chair exercises began to morph into my passions in providing the facilitations necessary for mind/body re-connection and earth body reconnection.
This is important for any age, and I say this here because I have been able to experience some profound healing and letting go of the anchors and rocks that we carry.
I was diagnosed:
And Schizophrenic although the Dr. was kind enough to leave that off the records as I was able to articulate the experiences and how the experiences had helped me grow. Versus the usual shut down, avoidance, and fear that many would inhibit when experienced.
I for one did not accept the fact that I was ‘insane’. So when faced with something like voices, seeing or feeling things that others don’t I understand the painful paradigm shift which occurs when you try to make sense of it all. And then to have it taken as you are just crazy becomes the worst question to battle over within yourself. Yet, this is all if you are not planning to hurt yourself or receiving violent, inappropriate experiences. All mine were non-violent, not telling me to hurt myself, the only one who was causing struggles in my experiences was my own inability to let go of my old way of thinking.
I am no longer battling internally with myself. I no longer feel this lack of control in managing what I see, hear, or walk in to when I enter a room. Without medication, without therapist, and only my deep feeling that it was all meant to be being the conduit for pushing forward. As I began to feel this was my soul’s purpose.
Now I’ll tell you right here, I’m happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been. I didn’t even realize it was possible for me to feel this way in my body and in my mind. The mind was what needed to be tamed. It’s no simple task to take on, but I’ll tell you one thing that wins all battles… That is Love.
Using my Love, training myself to open my thymus gland triggering the emotion of love. Which no fear, no darkness, no falsehoods will be able to stay in the face of unconditional love. Everything comes from Love, and ends with Love. So I’m taking my time to fill this whole life with Love as much as I can. The feeling when taking back the control over my love. The power to feel it on command, and call it up anytime I’m in need… it’s a pivotal life moment for me. I did it by way of opening my thymus gland through a series of practices in visualization and YouTube guided meditations. If you are interested in it just search ‘Thymus Gland activation’ on Google, it will bring you right to it.
Anyway I digress, the main point I’m trying to make here is that you’re never alone. I promise you this my friends. Anyone who feels that despair or hopelessness in the time that they read this, please realize your true worth is beyond what we quite possibly can conceive in this day. So your symptoms of depression, anxiety, or whatever it may be; could possibly be coming from the simple fact that you’re not doing what you love. Every day. Or at least as much as possible, like every other day.
One more thing. This life is meant to be fun. You came for a reason. You came to have fun. To enjoy the Love, the Pain, the laughter, the tears…and you came to focus on you. Your loved ones. And the life you want to design. Because I’m telling you right now friends…the things we stress over and devote much of our focus into; is literally draining to the blessing which is time here on Earth.
So live on.
Seeding a Reality: Talks of Life and Meaning
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